Defining Grief and Loss
Grief is a complex human reaction that encompasses changes in thoughts, feelings and behaviour. It is NOT a pathological state, although it can sometimes lead to problems such as depression. Grief is a normal human reaction to loss. It has no specific or predictable time span - it may last for days, weeks or a lifetime, although it usually changes in intensity and experience as time passes.
When we think of grieving, we usually think of it as a response to the death (loss) of a loved one. However, apart from death, loss can take many other forms - both literal and symbolic. Here are some examples: many people experience loss of role and status if they lose their job; homesickness can be thought of as a loss - loss of friends, family, and a sense of "home". So, loss is the trigger that may elicit the feelings of grief.
Grieving can be thought of as a process. It is the way we adapt and adjust to loss.
Even though a grief reaction may be a normal reaction to a loss, and not a pathological state, it can be helpful to talk to a counsellor about your grief experiences, in order to understand and come to terms with what you are experiencing.
Grief Reactions
Losing someone you love is a private and intense pain that no-one around you can ever fully understand. Whether the person you cared about died suddenly or after a long illness, the loss will always be the same ??? difficult to understand and difficult to adjust to. Grief can include a very wide range of experiences and reactions. No two people will grieve in exactly the same way and there is no such thing as a "normal" way to grieve. When grieving, people may experience any or all of the following:
- Intense emotions. Emotions can include sadness, anger, guilt, shock, etc...
- Disorientation
- Disbelief or denial
- Feelings of unreality
- Physical (somatic) symptoms, such as vomiting, diarrhoea, headaches.
- Re-ordering of life goals and priorities
- Fear of losing control
- Fatigue or lethargy
- Insomnia or other changes to sleeping patterns
- Loneliness, helplessness
- Lowered self-esteem
- Feeling guilty for enjoying life, for laughing, or for feeling happiness
One of the most challenging things about grief is that quite often, others around us are also grieving a loss at the same time as we are. We therefore not only have to deal with our own grief, but also with the unique grief reactions of others around us as well.
Grief and Study
Feeling really sad makes it difficult or impossible to study. Getting started and staying focussed can be nearly impossible. Talking to someone, such as a friend or a counsellor, can help you to get through this difficult part of your life.
Keep in mind that such reactions are quite normal, but can be problematic on a practical level especially if one is committed to a course of study. If your study has been disrupted by grief, it is important that you report this to the University by submitting a Special Consideration form. This can be downloaded at CSU Forms. You will need documentation to accompany your application for special consideration. This could be a letter from a doctor, or a counsellor. You may wish to contact a Student Counsellor for support or advice about your study.
Helpful Hints
Some thoughts which may help if you are grieving:
- Make time to grieve
- Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way
- Talk about your grief
- Talk about your loss and what the person meant to you
- Draw on the support of others around you
- Be alone when you need to
- Express your emotions and reactions in a way that feels right for you. Don't try to protect others from your feelings
- Look after yourself; do things you enjoy
Reading List:
McKissock, Mal. Coping with Grief 3rd Ed. 1995
McLean, George Denis. Loss and Grief: Our Stories A Collection of Stories on Loss and Grief 2001
Van Praagh, James. Healing Grief: Reclaiming Life After Any Loss 2001
Weber, Zita Annette. Good Grief: How to Recover From Grief, Loss or a Broken Heart 2001